I came across this lovely quote by Laura Jean Truman emphasizing how we can be there to support someone:
You can’t heal the people you love. You can’t make choices for them. You can’t rescue them.
You can promise that they won’t journey alone.
You can loan them your map.
But this trip is theirs.
Be gentle with yourself – it’s hard work to be present to the freedom of the other.
Laura Jean Truman
When we try and save someone, it never works. I especially appreciate the line “you can promise that they won’t journey alone,” as it implies that you are with them as they struggle, but with the understanding that they need to do the work. This trip is theirs 🙂
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In Hawaiian culture, the Native people have often relied on specific concepts that, when followed and appreciated, lead them to lives of contentment. The concepts include:
- Mana: is the spiritual energy of power and strength that both people and objects possess. It is a life energy that people can influence; the choices made can either strengthen mana or take it away. Living a life of meaning, being modest, building and maintaining relationships and giving back to others or your community are all examples of good mana.
- Pono: is righteousness. In Hawaiian culture, it denotes goodness and has a spiritual connotation to being in a state of harmony. Pono is the concept of leaning into moral values so as to live a life that is balanced and essentially good.
- Aloha: is the Hawaiian word for love. Often used as a simple greeting, aloha for Hawaiians is a way of life – aloha is a way of living and treating each other with love and respect.
- Ohana: means family. In Hawaiian culture, the concept of ohana refers to one’s social support system, including nuclear family, extended family, close friends and colleagues, and/or other communities or groups they are a part of. Being part of an ohana means that there is a mutual obligation to care for each other.
Hawaiians are known to live a life that is peaceful and less stressful than Westernized society. We can take a lesson from their pages of ancient wisdom by consciously thinking about how these concepts have contributed to living a simple and grounded life.
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In our last post about Emotional Intelligence, we look at the fifth component of EI: Social Skills. When we think about social skills in the context of emotional intelligence, it is about the art of being able to effectively communicate with others, being influenced by both your emotions and your ability to read into what other people are feeling. Social skills include being able to convey our point of view while respecting someone else’s, being able to manage conflict, being able to manage change, co-operation skills, being open to work as a team member, and leading by example.
Ways that we can increase our EI social skills include:
- Build your self-confidence. Don’t like small talk? Practice it. Don’t like confrontation? Take a course on conflict management skills. Create a bigger window of opportunity for yourself to practice your skills and increase your confidence.
- Keep your established relationships healthy. When we are actively working on the relationships we have, not only is it good practice for the outside world, it emphasizes the importance of good social skills in relationship.
- Emphasize a collaborative climate. When we work towards creating cooperation both at home and at work, we focus on the importance of the relationships in accomplishing tasks.
- Smile. You’d be surprised at how far a smile will go in letting people know that you are open minded.
- Practice gratitude. Saying thank you is a simple and effective social skill.
Five components of Emotional Intelligence. EI starts with Self-Awareness and understanding our own emotions which leads us to being able to manage them – Self-Regulation. From there, we can use our emotions to reach our goals through Motivation. Once we have a good grasp on our own emotional intelligence, we move towards Empathy, and the art of understanding other people’s emotions and finally through Social Skills, we can secure healthier environments for ourselves and others.
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Moving right along in our series about emotional intelligence, today’s post features the fourth component: Empathy. Empathy is the ability to understand the feelings of others; it is about being aware of or being sensitive to another person’s emotions even, at times when it is not being fully communicated. When we have good empathy skills, we can imagine what it would feel like to put ourselves in someone else’s shoes – it is a vicarious experiencing of the feelings.
How do we increase our empathy skills?
- Listen. Listen to understand and not just to hear. Try to imagine what it would feel like if you were in the same situation they were in – connect with the emotional component in their words.
- Allow yourself to feel vulnerable to their experience. If we struggle with empathy, it may be because we protect our vulnerability. Attempt to come into the conversation from an open and flexible place.
- Be curious. Ask questions about their experience. Ask yourself questions about how you may or may not feel differently than they do and why.
- Notice non-verbal cues. Facial expressions and posture can tell us a lot about emotions and can provide valuable insight as to what others might be feeling.
When we have good empathy skills, we tend to be less judgemental, better at managing relationships, and we relate well to others. It is a valuable component of EI and one that is considered essential to our relationships. Tomorrow’s post will feature the fifth component of emotional intelligence: Social Skills.
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People who have emotional intelligence also tend to possess Motivation – the third component of EI, and topic of today’s post.
If we are constantly distracted by our emotions, we may find it difficult to see tasks through to completion. When our emotional brain makes decisions for us, we can de-rail from our goals, reinforcing self-defeat, and feelings of failure. When we have self-awareness and are able to regulate our emotions; however, we are free to move forward in our goals and as an extension, feel more motivated.
Daniel Goleman identified four elements that make up motivation: our personal drive to achieve, commitment to our goals, initiative, and optimism. Ways that we can boost motivation include:
- Create an action plan by writing it down. What is achievable right now where a goal is concerned? How much time can I set aside to dedicate to it? What will help me to accomplish it?
- Celebrate small wins. Breaking down our goals into stepping stones greatly increases our chances of success; we tend to reinforce our achievement when we acknowledge our successes along the way.
- Work on changing your internal dialogue. If you notice a consistently negative voice in your mind, work at replacing your internal dialogue with something more affirming. Positive affirmations are often helpful to keep us on the right track.
- Be curious. Explore options, new interests, what makes you feel excited or hopeful. Being curious allows us to challenge the fears that often work against our motivation.
The components of Self-Awareness, Self-Regulation and Motivation are what Goleman considered to be personal skills indicative of how we manage ourselves. The last two components focus on how we manage our relationships with others – tomorrow’s post explores Empathy; considered to be the second most important component of emotional intelligence.
Yesterday’s post looked at the first component of Emotional Intelligence; Self-Awareness. Today’s post looks at Self-Regulation.
When we begin to have a greater understanding of our own emotions, we can begin to manage our emotions more efficiently, which leads to feeling capable and self-confident when it comes to controlling our emotional response. Some ways that we can build emotional self-regulation skills include:
- Taking a pause. When emotions begin to feel out of control, take a pause – by way of a deep breath, by actively slowing down – we give ourselves time to allow our rational brain to weigh in on how our emotional brain is reacting. This gives us a more informed decision as to how we want to move forward by way of action.
- Being accountable. When we make a mistake, we need to own it. If we said something we regretted, lost our temper, did something we wish we could take back – it becomes important to acknowledge not only to ourselves but to those we affected that we messed up. Doing so tends to build our self-regulation skills as it reinforces what we don’t want to do.
- Manage stress. Living in chronic stress tends to wreak havoc with our ability to regulate our emotions. By managing stress (self-care is a good place to start), we create a better foundation for emotional self-regulation.
Emotional self-regulation promotes feeling efficient; we begin to feel emotionally stronger when we can see the results of having controlled an emotion that we may have struggled with in the past. Tomorrow’s post will explore the third component of EI – Motivation.
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When we possess emotional intelligence, we tend to have a good understanding of our emotions. We are aware of how we feel, are able to control our emotions when necessary, and can express our emotions to others. A strong EI (also called EQ) tends to make us good listeners, as we apply the same awareness of emotions to others as we do to ourselves.
Daniel Goleman is a psychologist and author of the 1995 book “Emotional Intelligence.” He created five components of EI that help to define emotional intelligence. We will explore each one in the next five posts, with the first being Self-Awareness.
A key ingredient to self-awareness is being able to recognize our emotions. This may seem simple, but think about the number of times that your emotions may have led you to a certain thought or action that you later questioned. Lack of emotional self-awareness can lead to anger management issues, acting defensively when constructively criticized, the feeling of ‘shutting down,’ feeling constantly overwhelmed by emotion, and/or a lack of trust in your own emotions.
How do we begin to build emotional self-awareness? Here are some good places to start:
- Simply observe. This is probably one of the simplest ways to begin to recognize our emotions. It is the voice that helps us to begin to understand what we are feeling in any given situation. “This makes me feel sad.” “I am feeling so good inside right now.” “I can feel my anger beginning to rise.” “I have this bad feeling in the pit of my stomach.” Simply observing what is happening by way of emotion allows us to not place a judgement or action on them. They simply are.
- Ask others.When you really want to know how you react to situations, ask your loved ones. Sometimes the perspective of others can help to either confirm what we suspected, or give us a greater understanding of how we react to anger, sadness, guilt and so forth.
- Build mindfulness skills. Through guided meditation, deep breathing or mindfulness exercises, we begin to appreciate the ‘here and now’ of the present moment. This can often help in the self-reflection of our emotions as well.
- Journal. Jot down how certain situations in your day made you feel; not with intention to figure out direction but simply how you felt at the beginning, middle and end of the interchange and any emotional reaction you may still be having at end of day. This can become a great tool in recognizing our emotions.
Goleman notes that self-awareness of our emotions is foundational to the rest of the components of EI. Self-awareness allows us to become more insightful, creating the path for Self-Regulation: the second component of EI and topic for tomorrow’s post.
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I love the work of Morgan Harper Nichols; her poetry and quotes resonate with resilience and courage. I came across this one which speaks to the lovely quality of grace:
“Grace will meet you in the wildness.” – Morgan Harper Nichols
There are countless times that I have used the saying “Take the high road.” I have said it to myself, to my children, to clients, to family, to friends. Our challenges can often pull us into places that we feel out of control or with little power. And sometimes the only thing left to us is to take the high road and act with grace. The reward is a more settled, grounded and peaceful feeling.
Interested in Morgan Harper Nichol’s work? Here is her website: https://morganharpernichols.com/
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We all have insecurities. Sometimes they are ones that developed in our childhood, sometimes they can be circumstantial. We can have insecurities about the way we look, a skill that we lack, the way we parent, our abilities at work. Our insecurities can be tied to our sense of esteem or confidence, and they can be long lasting or fleeting. In any case, insecurities tend to take the lead. When feeling vulnerable, we often let our insecurity speak the loudest:
“There is no way I can handle this.”
“I hate the way I look in this dress.”
“No one will want to eat this.”
“I always sound stupid at social gatherings.”
“You’ll do it because I said so.”
“I will never get a better job.”
It is important to remember that we can’t outrun our insecurities. And because our insecure thoughts tend to be rigid and laced with criticism, they feel much more authoritative and we lean into believing them.
The reality; however, is that we are not meant to criticise ourselves. Learn from our mistakes? Absolutely. Belittle ourselves? Nope. Our soul, our life force, our inner core would never want that for ourselves. The first step is to recognize when we have allowed our insecurities to take the lead. It is from here that we can begin to identify what needs to change and begin our journey to become more secure in ourselves and our abilities. With time and effort, we can win the race. 🙂
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Yesterday’s post defined Imposter Syndrome; today’s post looks at ways that we can begin to challenge those pervasive thoughts.
Because Imposter Syndrome is defined as a collection of feelings of inadequacy that tend to persist despite evidence of success, one of the ways we can begin to challenge the underlying fraudulent feelings is to focus on the evidence of success. We can begin by writing down our accomplishments both at home and at work as a way to objectively view our own proficiency. This challenges our core belief of inadequacy.
Another way to challenge these feelings is to begin to understand how they formed in the first place. What was your experience growing up in terms of achievement and success? What were both the spoken and unspoken rules in your family as to how success was measured and how did you fit into those rules?
When we can combine both an understanding of how imposter syndrome may have developed and the factual account of our success, we can begin to recognize that the beliefs of inadequacy we have held onto for so long are historical and no longer serving a purpose for us. From there, we can begin to consciously replace our automatic thoughts with more accurate affirmations; leading to a more realistic view of our accomplishments.
“I bring value to this organization.”
“I deserve the respect I have earned at work/home.”
“I am successful because I work hard.”
“I am accomplished.”
Changing our core beliefs can be challenging at first, but with practice and persistence, we can get there – freeing ourselves from their perpetual cycle; one positive affirmation at a time 🙂