When we are wrestling with whether or not we say yes to something that has been requested of us, we can keep this saying in mind: “Don’t confuse my free time with my availability.”
This is perhaps something we need to consider before saying yes. Perhaps we have set aside an entire day to do nothing but putter. Cross a few things off the list, enjoy choosing our own pace to the day, deciding how we want to spend our time moving between productivity and relaxation. Technically we are free. And so when someone asks of us a favour, we may begin to feel guilty if we don’t say yes. We may begin pushing the limits to our perception of what we perceive to be selfish.
In our examination of “Do I have the time, energy and support available to me to agree?” question, the distinction between free time and availability becomes an important one. The value we place on how we recharge our serenity is important and worthy of consideration.
Free time versus availability…a thought worth considering 🙂
Photo credit: https://unsplash.com/@jesseleemulder
I often speak of our comfort system – our relaxed state – and how we are meant to be there most of the time. For many people, the pace of life, anxiety or the lingering effects of trauma keeps them in their fight-or-flight system most of time. This can lead us to feeling frayed, frazzled, overwhelmed and exhausted. A past client once spoke about how he goes to water to ‘recharge my serenity.’ He spoke about growing up near Lake Superior and how going to any body of water and getting out in his fishing boat for an evening or an afternoon helps him to recharge.
When we think about the importance of self-care, it tends to encompass many things. Sometimes it is making sure that the pace of our day is balanced; it can mean the setting of boundaries, the things we consciously choose to do to feed our comfort system; the ways in which we rest, use our senses to self-soothe, feel at peace. Whatever our chosen means of feeling grounded, it is our tendency to set ourselves aside when our days get busy – when we feel frazzeled or frayed, we are actually less likely to lean into our self-care strategies.
I am a big believer in some form of daily self-care. That might be the way that you start your morning – 10 minutes of meditation, prayers, stretching or yoga – or it might be a reset at lunch with a 15 minute walk in the fresh air. Our bits of self-care can be scattered throughout the day when we consciously choose to listen to music when making dinner, soak in a lavender-scented tub, light a candle. It can be the space that we make to watch the birds landing on the feeder, the leaves falling gently outside our window, or the moments we take to give some affection to the dog or cat. It can be the joy we feel when we send a loved one a text, or sit down for a catch-up chat. Sometimes, our self-care routine is one that we incorporate into our bedtime routine, such as writing in our gratitude journal or cozying in under our weighted blanket.
In an article entitled “The Top 10 Self-Care Strategies for Stress Reduction” by Elizabeth Scott and featured on verywell mind, we are reminded of some of the basics of self care and that sometimes we can let good habits slide, such as maintaining the right amount of sleep and getting proper nutrition. Two points that I especially appreciated:
This can be a good mantra for people pleasers. And although it is perfectly acceptable to simply say no to a request, it often feels difficult to do so. The first thing that enters into the picture is the propensity to say “Yes” – and that pull tends to be quite strong. Next comes the guilt – somehow saying no indicates what a horrible person you are. Tsk. Tsk. Unfortunately, saying yes all the time makes us tired, feel as though we are being taken advantage of, and places ourselves in the “I am not important and you are” position. Ugh.
We can all appreciate a good work ethic. When our head hits the pillow at night, there is a part of us that feels satisfaction from a fruitful day. And yet for some of us, the pendulum has swung too far. From the moment your feet hit the floor, it is go – go – go.
We all have insecurities. Sometimes they are ones that developed in our childhood, sometimes they can be circumstantial. We can have insecurities about the way we look, a skill that we lack, the way we parent, our abilities at work. Our insecurities can be tied to our sense of esteem or confidence, and they can be long lasting or fleeting. In any case, insecurities tend to take the lead. When feeling vulnerable, we often let our insecurity speak the loudest:
Words matter. Ask anyone who has been criticized in their childhood, or bullied with words, and they will tell you that it has long lasting effects.
Christmas time can bring us many things to be thankful for – the lead up to the holidays; however, can be a time when we put ourselves on the back burner. Building on yesterday’s post, here are some holiday self-care tips that we can incorporate into the Christmas season: