Independence or Lack of Commitment?

We are a relationship species; we feel supported when connected to others. We thrive in our emotional life when we can be comfortable in our vulnerability; when we can depend on the people in our life who are stable and consistent in their love and action.

And so why do some people struggle with commitment? Sometimes it comes in the form of subtle distancing – being evasive as to making plans,  making independent decisions while in the context of a relationship, avoiding answering text messages, pulling away when feeling stressed. Sometimes lack of commitment plays the bigger hand and the relationship stalls when it is time to move in together or marry.

In either case, a dissonance is created, as the person who lacks commitment also desires attachment. The very system that allows someone to be open in their vulnerability can also create a defensive stance. For the person who holds love at an arm’s length, they have learned that although desirable, love is not dependable.

Understanding attachment is one of the easiest ways of getting a handle on why we may choose “independence” or commitment. I place independence in italics, as we need to both provide and receive emotional anchors in our life to be individualized in our relationships. Tomorrow I will feature a wonderful book and resource on attachment that I just finished reading. I loved every bit of it! 🙂

Photo credit: http://Photo by Ana Toma on Unsplash

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