A Year of Firsts; the gifts my mom gave me

Today marks the anniversary of my mom’s passing. One year. Sometimes it is hard to believe that I have lived a whole year without seeing her, laughing with her, being with her. Other times, it feels like a lifetime. The amount of times that I wished I could have called her, been comforted by her, sat beside her in church, hugged her, laughed in unison with her are too many too count. People tell you that the grief of losing your mom is profound, and they are right.

My year of firsts had its typical markings…there were times that I was caught totally off guard; everything from a moment of thinking “Oh I have to call Mom about that,” to walking into the Ottawa General Hospital (where I was joyfully going to meet my new step-granddaughter) and I was unexpectantly hit by a wave of emotion for all of the times I had been there with my mom. The important days of the year such as birthdays and holidays had their typical build up with anxious moments and tears that sit close to the surface – and many times spilt over. There were times that helped with closure and acceptance, and times when all you can think about is the unfairness of losing her.

This year of firsts has also deepened my belief in a soulful life; in the importance of connection and how we can feel and be strengthened by the gifts of love. And I have realized that I have seen my mom – I see her in my sister and in my girls. I see her in my friend Lisa who started coming to church with me, I see her in my friend Kim who has helped me through her own experience with profound grief, I see her in everyone who has continued to acknowledge Mom to me.

I have also felt my mom. I feel her when I look at my partner Kurt as it was so important to my mom to feel peace that I was in a happy and settled relationship. I feel her every time “Dancing Queen” by ABBA comes on the radio – a song that has a wonderful association and memory to my mom; I have heard it so many times, it is not a coincidence. I feel her in the stillness of the church and when the river is calm. My mom gave me her strength, her faith, and her belief that love will heal; I feel her when I smile, when I laugh, when I hug my loved ones.

It is this that brings me the most comfort. I know that she is still with me; not only in the energy that surrounds me, but also the energy that is within me. Thank you, Mom – I love you.

Photo: This is my mom, pictured with her great-granddaughter. Special times 🙂